Our Journey
Allan and I married November 1993. We started our journey together when he was 15 and I was 17, in 1991. We met, unbelievably, on the last day of my graduation year. His best friend at the time was dating my best friend; we were all seniors, except for him, which I did not know until much later. We decided to skip the last day of school and he was the one with the truck, so I jumped in the front seat, slapped his leg and said "hey there how are ya! I'm Angie, where we going?" And so begins our journey to becoming a couple, getting married, trials, tribulations, having a beautiful daughter and nearly falling apart, only to be mended and restored by our Father in Heaven to the loving marriage and friendship we have today.
I came from a family covered in wounds, which only begets more wounding. I was severely abused as a child. I was raped at 5, molested from age 8 to 15, and then prostituted for a year. By the time I broke free from all the abuse to live on my own, I was a complete mess emotionally, spiritually and physically. At 17 years old I weighed a whopping 98lbs and wore size 0 pants. I looked like a skeleton and lived on alcohol, uppers and very little else. As you can imagine from my sexually abusive background I was very sexually active.
Allan was not supposed to be the one, he just wasn't my type. When we did start dating I was shocked and amazed as were all my friends. Unfortunately, Allan's parents had money so it was suspected that I was "gold digging." Looking back, I don't blame those that thought it, because it does seem strange that it could have been genuine. Don't you love that God knows better than everyone else or better than us for that matter?! I may not have picked Allan, but God had picked him for me knowing this man would be my everything and we would endure a journey together that romance novels are made of.
I must tell you that Allan is not the one in this scenario that got the great girl, though the way he tells it you would think I was his princess in the tower worth rescuing. But truthfully, I am the blessed one. Allan has been more than I could have dreamed of or ever thought I deserved. My husband is a rare gem. In fact, there are times I fear the inner healing I have gone through that I am so open to love that I get scared of loosing him. In my dysfunctional state, I lived in denial and had walls so high and thick nothing could get past them.
Now, I feel, I love and I am vulnerable. For a recovering abuse victim that is a fate worse than death at times. We learn how to cover up our feelings and protect ourselves from so much trauma that being exposed can feel worse than the abuse.
We married when I was 20 and he was 18. I can assure you many people had bets on how long this marriage would last but none more shocked then we are. I think we knew we were young but we both came from dysfunctional families and we just wanted someone to love. We had both been children of divorced homes and swore come hell or high water we were in it for keeps. I think we all say that, but do we mean it? Well, praises the Lord, we withstood the fire.
Due to all my abuse, I lived in depression. I was never diagnosed with Bi-polar depression, but instead was tagged "bi-polar tendencies". Personally, I am not sure the difference but my struggle with depression and counselors was more abuse in-of-itself.
Allan's coping skill of choice was avoidance & denial. If I don't acknowledge the problem then there isn't one. My skill of choice was intimidation & denial. On the outside we looked to have the perfect marriage. There were times we felt more like roommates than lovers.
Seven years had passed and it was "time" to start a family. At least it was for me. I figured if this was as good as life got, I wanted the kids to go with it. I had always wanted children and the chance to do regain my childhood. I wanted the chance to make up for all that had been done to me. Allan wasn't sure of the timing. He realized, I think more than I did, that our relationship was not ready for the new challenges a child presented. He eventually gave into my "demand" and as you can imagine, if you think we had problems before, the presence of a baby only magnified what was already there.
However, God always has a plan in the worst of our human choices. Victoria was the best gift God ever gave us. It was because of her that our problems where exposed and therefore, could be dealt with. She was also the reason we decided to work out our problems instead of walking away.
In my mind the marriage was over and I was lonely, depressed and hated who I was. I sunk to my lowest when I decided to search for love and acceptance in the arms of another man. I can tell you this is not the answer to any marriage problem.
By time Victoria was 3 the truth to my sins were revealed and just how mentally ill I was finally surfaced. Allan's first response was anger, hurt, and retaliation. He made it clear that I would never see our daughter again. When I didn't argue with him, but rather told him "if that's what God sees fit as my punishment, then I accept that." Knowing Victoria was everything to me and for me to not fight, caused him to see how my soul grieved. He left the house for what felt like hours; when he came home we started talking.
I wish I could tell you that was the beginning of our healing, as repentant as I was I continued the affair for a short time. I was holding on to a back up plan, until God met me face to face through a friend. She introduced me to the scriptures (a place I had avoided for many years). I opened my heart to allow God to begin to speak to me.
The years of therapy had done no good, but I felt lead to "Christian" counseling. God opened doors to someone that was able to help us and move us forward. We experienced a lot of healing in this season. We learned a lot about communication and began learning about God.
Allan offered me forgiveness in a situation that did not deserve forgiveness. His unconditional love for me (something I had never experienced as an abused child) healed my heart. He become an outward expression of Jesus' love for us on the cross. I never saw myself as valuable or worthy. I was extremely prideful and arrogant but it was a cover to expose the truth, I hated myself. To many, Allan's decision may appear weak, but I assure the strength it took him to love me through all this is the same strength Jesus showed by sacrificing His life for us. Jesus had reached into an unsaved man and used him as a vessel because he was willing. Allan and I were re-baptized and rededicated our lives to serve the one true God.
In all honesty, we are still on that journey of learning about God. From that time in our life, through now we have put Jesus as the center of our family. We have learned about prayer, scripture and God's will in our lives. We are by no means perfected at this, but we are open to allow the Lord to bring wisdom and discernment. As we learn more about God and apply His word to our lives the closer we get to Him. We have found a peace that we had never known before.
Jesus is the glue that holds our marriage and family together. Without His love and guidance we would not be together today. Not only are we together, but we truly love each other with an unconditional love. We praise Our Heavenly Father for His great love and tender mercies.
